Recently I had a friend come to me sad... she has a strained relationship from some of her family members. Because we are such good friends we talk about it often. She knows that I too have a strained relationship with some of my family members. This is something I found we can lean on each other for because it's something that we both get and understand because we both go through it. This time was different. This time my advice came from the right place. I don't and nor have I ever really had the greatest relationship with my mother. If you had asked me two years ago why my relationship with her is so strained my answer would be different from that of today. I would say things like, she doesn't agree with my lifestyle, she doesn't make an effort to be in her grandkids life, she lets the man in her life control who she can talk to. Although these things may be true to me. It wasn't these things at all. I used to think that as I got older and as I had kids and as I got more mature my relationship with her would get better. I have tried , she has tried, we have both tried. and we always just kept coming back to the same toxic place. But the closer I became to Christ the farther apart me and her became. I started noticing that if I was a moral person that made mistakes we had a great relationship. but if I was a Christian that chose not to live in the flesh then we would become further apart. I started to realize that it was impossible for me to be who God intended me to be, and who my mother wanted me to be at the same time. As my christianity grew so did her dissapointment and shame in me. This broke my heart.❤ All this time, all these yrs I hated myself because I thought she chose men over her kids, and I thought she would never be proud of me. It was always just because walking in flesh and walking in spirit cant be in the same place. We went yrs without talking and everytime we did we would fight. As recently as this yr it became clear that we couldnt even talk unless she kept it a secret. I wasnt allowed to come see her with the kids. That is the moment I think I finally accepted that it just may never be. My only part from this point on was to pray. As long as she walks in the flesh and I walk in the spirit, we will never be able to have the kind of relationship that I spend nights crying myself to sleep dreaming about. She is not going where I am going. We are not even on the same path. So I stopped praying for God to change her. I stopped praying for her to heart. I started praying for her soul. I asked God to please bless the day I can walk this path with my mother and my siblings. I knew , They were of the world . I was of the spirit. Sometimes that can be a really lonely place. Sometimes it can be hard, on the days I need my mommy, on the days the kids ask about their grandmother, even on the days I want a sister and best friend. Especially on the days I have to explain to people why I have no support. This place , walking with God, living in the spirit, Its awkward, its hard, its sad, it angers me. But I wouldnt stop doing it for even a second. I will continue on this path , no matter what, I will not stop working to make sure my kids are on that path too. I can no longer stop and look back to see if my mom is there. I have no choice but to have faith that my Father will catch her. I am only human after all. I will no longer blame myself for why things are the way they are. I will no longer blame her boyfriend. I will no longer feel unloved and unaccepted by her. I am not better then her . I am not smarter then her. I simply just walk a different path. In the hopes that one day those paths will meet. I can love her, and pray for her, but I will never live in sin for her. Even if that means I have to walk that path alone, even if its harder. Even if that path requires, homelessness, suffering, being hated, and answering the hard questions from my children and community. I wont let the devil use us as a way to keep me from being with my Holy Father.
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