To The Girl Who Lost Her Way
I could sit here and tell you about "all" the people who have hurt me throughout my life. I'm
not gonna do that. The truth is the one person that was suppose to protect me , well, he didn't. Betrayal started , back before my need to be in a relationship. Well before, I was able to fully comprehend what love was. Even before I could decipher the difference between what was right, and what was wrong. I felt unloved ,and unworthy.I spent years rebelling. A decade in self hate , and a lifetime in denial. I went from one bad relationship to the next, never stopping long enough to see , that the love I was searching for ,was in Jesus Christ. You see..... when betrayel and darkness hit you on such an astonishing level, that you cannot even see past yourself. I am talking about the kind of stuff most people cannot even phathom. You start to live your life in such a way, that it's as if you forgot the light was ever even a real thing. So ofcourse, I fell for the first guy that told me he loved me. I trusted no one in my life, not even myself. I went from one abuser to the next, just swearing it was the real thing everytime. I didn't feel worthy, in fact I felt unlovable. I self sabotaged. I lost relationships, friendships, and myself. I had simply lost my way. There was finally a moment ......I got down on my knees , tears pouring down my cheeks. I gave eveything to Jesus. I had nothing left to give Him but , this tethered, beaten, bloodied heart. Here I was, this worn out, run down, broken girl, just begging for redemption. You know what? In that very moment I understood. This bitterness that I carried all these years, the feeling of never being good enough, the anger I held inside....It was gone. I always spoke of my past , in mention of all the people and all times my heart was broken.I realized something that day. My heart was only ever broken one time. Because of that battered damaged heart, I was never able to fully give it to anybody fully. It went in to every relationship already broken. I blamed everyone but him. I even blamed God. The same God that picked me up, renewed me, and loved me. Despite my flaws, despite my scars, and despite the years of unrepentant love.I had no choice to forgive what happend. Not just for peace, and wholeness, but because whether or not I wanted to admit it. The father that broke me, is what led to the Father that healed me. His love is sufficient, it is enough. I am worthy, I am whole, I will never again hate the image looking back at me. What one father took away, the Almighty Father gave back. So I can say today how much I love Him, and how much He loves me. So I can proclaim His name! Tell of the good news! So that my daughters, and my sons, never have to know what unworthiness feels like. God knows what He is doing! Once Christ has put you back together , you can no longer be broken. Thankyou daddy, for breaking me. Thankyou Daddy for healing me.