I want to climb mountains...I am just not there yet.
I'm nervous... I wanted to write to you about a topic that is hard for me. I have prayed about it. I have asked God to give me the wisdom and words to write to you. Before I prayed I asked myself "Why is this so hard for me?" "Why is it that I can tell people about every traumatic and painful chapter in my book of life, but I can't find the courage to talk to them about this?" I'm sure I am not the only one....And knowing that there are others going through it, might help you in some way. So if I related to even 1 person, then I will feel blessed.. Anxiety. There I said it. ANXIETY. I have it. I hate it. It sucks. I don't really have anything nice to say about it. It's of Satan, and it is a constant battle. What does having this mean... Having anxiety means fighting Satan everyday. It means being completely misunderstood by the ones who don't have it. It means pulling yourself together repeatedly without stopping. It means having to constantly apologize to people. It means putting motivational post its on your mirror, just so you can remind yourself how worthy you are.. It means feeling like your disconnected from God because you don't feel worthy enough. It means thinking everyone thinks your annoying and hard to love. There are good days. There are bad days. The only difference between the two is that on the good days your anxious without a panic attack,, and on the bad day you have a panic attack. But no matter what day it is, the worry stays with you. You are constantly overthinking, struggling to not live in fear and forcing a smile. It means going to bed hating yourself because you let your kids see you scared.. It means you feel alone.. It means you feel crazy.. It means you feel like your always failing at something. It means feeling defeated. It means being the best mom in the world but feeling like the worst one. You are left feeling like a horrible wife , because your husband has to deal with you. It means being so overwhelmed you wanna quit.. it means being so scared that you can't get in the car. It means feeling so pathetic you can't make it to dinner with your friends. Having anxiety is hard.
People with anxiety can't just shut it off. It doesn't work like that. But let's talk about having anxiety while being a Christian. Fear is not of God. Worry does not come form Him. I know this. Other anxious Christians know this. It is not something we can control, it is only something we can learn to cope with. Sometimes it gets the best of us. Sometimes in those moments Satan is trying to take us down. But just because you are battling Satan doesn't mean you are losing the battle.. I know you feel judged. And you probably will be judged. Keep fighting anyway. Even if you have to do it scared.
A message for the ones who don't understand. People with anxiety would love more than anything to feel "normal". They dream of days when they are not constantly thinking fearful thoughts. So if you are reading this and you don't have anxiety please hear me..... STOP TELLING FELLOW CHRISTIANS THAT THEIR FAITH IS LACKING BECAUSE THEY ARE SCARED. We understand how easy it is for you. We envy your peace. We are working tirelessly to overcome our trauma. We are making every effort to cope using the tools Christ has given us.. He is holding us the same way He is holding you.. We are trying .But it takes some of us a little longer. .Our fear is not a crutch. It is an obstacle.
I consider myself a strong and smart woman. I have a remarkably close relationship to my Lord and Savior. He is everything to me. All though I fall short for the glory of God, I am a work in progress. I have been through more mental trauma than most people should have to go through. I have seen things, and felt things I never should have. A lot of it happened at a detrimental time in my brain growing season. At a time when I was still learning, growing and figuring out who I was. Sometimes that's
how anxiety starts. With this anxiety comes empathy and compassion for people. When I love I love hard. I am always learning, growing, and getting better. If you knew me 5 yrs ago. You don't know me now. I have come so far and continue to get better. He. Is. Still. Working. On. Me.
Here is a hard TRUTH..... The closer I get to God, the harder Satan is on me. So my anxiety is at a peak right now. I am struggling. But I am not gonna give up. He is not gonna take me down. He is using every past trauma he has on me. He is using every weapon he can. He will do it with you too. But you can stand up in the full armor of God. Because we belong to Him. Satan will not prevail. God has been there through every battle. He will continue to fight for you. This is very long battle. But God will win the war.