Today.. I felt compelled to write about this exciting and emotional rollercoaster called motherhood. I have had an abundance of Moms write in about the topic of anxiety. I am not able to answer each one individually , so I will do my best to cover it in this post. An anxiety free life is not something I have mastered.This is something I dont write about as often as I should because I still feel like I deal with it myself. Lately it has been rough. A lot has changed since I first became a momma.I find myself more sleep deprived and overwhelmed then ever before.So I wrote a letter to God today....because sometimes ...the love letters I write Him. Is all that sustains my sanity. Maybe it will sustain yours too.
A letter from Mother to Father
Dearest Lord,
I'm sorry
I am tired. The sleep is slim. I'm busy... wiping noses just to be sneezed on
And tushies, just to have pee on the floor anyway.
Washing dish after dish just so the sink can stay full
Cooking 3 meals a day ,only to have it rejected every single time.
Doing Laundry, Just so the clothes get destroyed again.
Making sure no one breaks a bone or my glass table. Only to be told I'm no fun.
Breaking up arguments, so that they can fight again 10 minutes later.
Homeschooling, only to end my day feeling like I am failing them.
Going to bed late , only to be awaken every hour.
I am so sorry Lord. These babies I have, This blessing you have given me.Keeps me focused on them.
I dont thank you enough. I dont pray to you enough. I dont seek you enough. The devil knows what distractions to use.
But.. These wonderful little beings are not what consumes my time. I should be pouring into you.My kids are worth every minute. You Lord are worth every minute. The distraction is all the worry I carry everyday.
Dearest Lord
I'm sorry
I'm busy......
Worrying
Worrying about whether or not I'm cut out for this whole mom Gig.
Asking myself everyday if I yelled at them too much.
Putting unneeded pressure on myself to protect them from this dark world.
I'm too busy telling myself that its hard. To even stop and ask you to make it easier.
I spend some days crying, because on the hard days. I wonder if they hate me or not.
While I'm busy trying to contain the abundance of emotions coming from my daughters, and the energy that comes from having boys I am utterly exhausted. Mentally, physically and emotionally drained. I need to be leas drained on these and more spiritually drained.
I worry all the time. I am anxious more then I am cleaning. More then I am teaching And more then I am sleeping. .
I am anxious , because I know I am about to be anxious, and then I'm anxious for being anxious.
I seldom make your promise a priority when my anxiety is at its peak.
I am so busy trying to love myself each day.To even see that you love me always.
So I am so sorry.
Sorry for ever letting the devil win in these moments.
Lord I am having such a hard time with a strong willed child to even see how your curing the chaos around me.
I rarely have time for myself, and blame myself for not making time for my husband more. I often feel like I'm struggling.
I am so consumed with trying to appear normal, so that people cant see the mess I am that I become quiet and awkward. Often leaving people to think I am rude and distant.
I'm just a mom trying the best she can for her kids I'm just a woman struggling to keep her identity I'm just a wife rushing to spend time with my love And I'm just a daughter yearning to be a good daughter to You. I am just a friend trying to be a good friend back to the friends who reach out.
I am cranky because I am scared I am quiet because I am weary I distance myself because I am ashamed
Lord help me keep my focus, help me to not be anxious , and to not let the daily worry interfere with your plans of peace.
I am doing the best I can But sometimes no matter what I do I am left feeling like what I do is not enough!
Deep down I know that it is well with my soul. Because even if my best isn't
good enough for me. I can rest assured that my worst is good enough for you.