I was given permission to post this.
My friend came to see me today...
She said she needed to talk.
I stopped everything and listened to her.
She told me her marriage was falling apart.
I hugged her.
I wiped her tears 😢
Then I asked her "How do you know it's falling apart?"
She said.... "Because he points out every flaw he sees in me every chance he gets."
"He told me today that I don't do anything for him anymore."
"He doesn't notice me anymore"
"He tells me I am not fun anymore"
"He calls me a coward""He hates cowards!"
"He finds reasons to stay away from me"
"But most of all he blames me ..He resents me." "His life sucks because of me" "Why is he with me?" 'He is a great dad" "He is a great friend." He excels at his career." "Why am I not enough?" Why am I the exception?"
After my friend cried to me of all the pain she was feeling, I did what a friend does. I told her what a jerk he was.
I gave her the biggest hug I could.
I told her how amazing she was.
But it didn't matter. She just shut down every compliment I gave her.
But that's because my friend only believes in herself as much as he does.
She looked to his approval to find her worth. His opinion meant more to her then the truth that God didn't make mistakes.
So I told her this instead......
"When you both met you were broken. You both came from families with disfunction. No one ever taught either of you how to love anybody. You came from a family that never showed you the love you needed. He will always want a girl who pours into him more than he pours into her. He has craved it his whole life. Just like you have waited for the true love of your dreams. He never had love like that and he is sick of not having it. He has always survived by loving himself first.. He will always feel like you should go first. He will never give you the love you are looking for. And you are a girl who wants a guy to always go first because you have never had anyone love you like that. The only way either of you have ever survived is to love yourselves first. You were both taught to trust no one. The truth is.... As much as you want him to step up, he won't. Protecting his heart will always come before saving yours. Something happend to him.. something he never wants to feel agin. You will never be able to impress him. You will never be smarter than him, stronger than him, or braver than him in his eyes. He knows what he brings to the table and he wants to make sure you know it too. You never had a dad to show you this kind of love was wrong. He never had a dad show him what loving something as fragile as him is suppose to be like. You are two broken people that want the kind of love from eachother that only Christ can give you..
So dear sweet friend I love you so much and I want you to know something today...
You are not a coward. You just want to finally be protected for once in your life.You are not boring.. You just don't want to live daring anymore, because you spent 20 years recovering from some pretty traumatic things.. Yes he may resent you.. Let him.... One day he will understand why Jesus never resented Judas. One day he will stop questioning God's plan.. Let go of the fact that he doesn't notice you.. Because you have sweet smiling faces that want nothing more than to just sit on your lap, eat next to you and go to bed with you. Focus on the ones that think your the smartest most beautiful person in the world. Focus on the one who created you.
Learn how to love yourself the way God intended. Re-learn what love looks like by taking a step back and letting God love you. The closer you get to God the less you will hate yourself. In turn the less you will care if your husband loves you or not. You will begin to see what love looks like. Christ has not been at the center of your marriage. He has been at the center of your husbands. What your husband doesn't understand is that, it's not the same thing. Does he pray with you? Does he talk to you about Jesus as much as he does to others? He is a good friend because he knows what it feels like to not have one. He is a good dad because he knows what it feels like to go without one. He is bad at loving you because it's the one thing he never had to figure out until now. Until God is front and center, he will always be this way.. only God can help him get past that pain and fear.. He's mean to you because you scare the hell out of him. You can't change this. Focus on the ones that want you around. Focus on Jesus. Read your Bible. But most of all...Pray! God will restoreyour marriage if it's His plan.
I wiped her tears.
I told her to look up.
I reminded her that this wasn't hollywood.
That marriage wasn't to satisfy us, but to glorify God. One day he is gonna realize it. I pray it isn't too late.