Dear mom, I needed you.
Updated: Feb 25
It never gets easier.
The need for you will always be there.
I will never stop needing you.
I may not need you there to help me walk, or make me lunch, or even hold my hand as I cross the street.
But I need you.
My siblings need you.
You were supposed to break cycles so that I didn't have to.
You are supposed to be my best friend.
You are supposed to ask me how I am feeling.
You are supposed to give me advice.
Life has been hard.
It would have been so much easier if you had been by my side.
It doesn't matter what kind of mom you had. You are suppose to be better.
Oh man, how nice it would be if you were my best friend.
How amazing it would be if you made me smile.
How awesome it would be to see you involved in your grandkids life.
At some point you decided I was just too much.
At some point you decided to stop trying.
Eventually you decided that being a mother was just too hard for you.
For years I blamed myself.
For years I allowed you to gaslight me into believing I was just a bad child and it was all my fault.
You gave up on us.
You gave up on me.
But most of all you continued to let it fall.
Even as you watched it break.
Even after you knew my trauma, you still told me how aweful I was.
You expected me to get through it alone.
You expected me to somehow be okay.
You signed me away like I was this burden on your life.
You wanted all the acknowledgement of being our mom, but none of the responsibility.
You talk about how hard it was.
I can't even imagine.
But what about now?
Now that he is gone?
You still everyday have the opportunity to fix us and you choose not to.
At this point I have come to realize it was always an excuse.
Im a big girl now. You can't manipulate me anymore..
It was always someone else's fault.
You have never taken responsibility for your lack of protection. For your lack of care.
The truth is all you had to do was hold me and tell me everything was gonna be okay.
All you had to do was be there.
All you had to do was pray with me.
But you didn't even do that.
I acted out because I was traumatized, yet that was why I wasn't worth fixing. I was too hard for you. Motherhood was too hard for you.
You blamed me.
Maybe oneday you will come to realize that I am not the bad guy in the story.
I can't even explain the pain I feel knowing you chose him over us.
You gave birth to me.
You felt me move inside your belly.
And yet somehow, you chose to throw me away.
Like a piece of trash.
I don't even know what to say when your grandkids ask why you're not around.
I try to keep from crying after we talk on the phone, so my children don't ask why my own mommy makes me cry.
They are so little and they already understand how wrong you are. Just like I did. You used to tell me when I became a mom I would understand.
Well I don't.
In fact I understand even less.
I will never understand what putting myself and a boyfriend before my kids feels like.
You never ask about me, or them, or my life.
You barely want to talk to me when I call.
So no, I will never understand.
Because by cutting one of my children out of my life I would be killing part of myself.
So I don't understand how you sleep.
I don't understand how you don't miss me.
I don't understand how you can just act like everything is okay.
You weren't there when my babies were born.
You weren't there when I got married.
You weren't there when I got myself into trouble.
You aren't there when I need a safe place to turn.
You weren't there for some of the greatest points of my life. And you weren't the for some of the darkest.
You are the reason Christ found me.
You are the reason I needed saving.
Right now I know that if everything in my world falls apart, it's gonna be God that picks up the pieces.
I can't count on you.
I have learned to live without a mom.
You are still alive you are still here, you still make a choice everyday, to let us live a life without you.
You don't get to say you have the right to know how I am doing. NO. YOU LOST THAT RIGHT.
You make fun of my relationship with Christ. You tell me how consumed I am, and you tell me to be careful as to not drink the kool aid.
But this God you say I have fallen fast for is the reason you stl have a daughter..
He's the reason you're still here.
And God is the only reason I am still standing.
He is the only reason I chose to forgive you.
He is the only reason I am the kind of mother and woman I am today.
Because given how I grew up, I don't even know how I made it this far.
You should be thanking Him for protecting your daughter.
You can mock me.
You can hate me.
You can judge me.
You can talk about me to my siblings and all your friends.
You can tell everyone who knows us how aweful I am.
I don't care anymore.
You are missing out on some pretty amazing people.
People that would've done anything for you.
Your grandkids are smart, and funny. They love Jesus. They even love you. They barely know you and they stl love you.
Because God teaches them that, that's what love is.
You know you had concerns once that I wasn't raising them in a way that prepared them for the world.
That by raising them not of this world would hurt them later.
Wel mom, You're wrong.
I was raised of this world.
And I had to be rescued from it.
I almost died in it.
God broke my chains, and I broke the cycle.
So that my children don't know what chains feel like.
They will never know what its like to not have a mother.
I will always choose them.
I will always choose God.
There's nothing you could ever do or say to stop it.
Why do you love me so little?
Why do you hate me so much?
Why was I never enough?
How could you throw me away when I needed you the most?
I will never understand your lack of love for me.
But I will always understand God's love for me.
I will continue to pray for you. For us. For my kids. I forgive you. But I will never understand. I needed you. In the worst possible way, I needed you. You left me to drown. God saved me. So if your wondering why I am so obsessed with Him, that's why.
He saved your girl, when you couldn't.
And again and again. Because I was never too hard for Him. Because I was worthy enough to love. Because all though I was stubborn, He still fought for me. I've never seen you fight for me. You don't get to make me the bad guy. You were the parent. You were the one that was suppose to love me first. Life is so much harder without you. But I will be okay. Because I have made it this far. And Jesus.....Jesus sure as hell ain't gonna let me fall now.
Love me, or don't love me.
I don't have it in me to fight anymore.
I have already given it all to God.