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  • Writer's pictureThe Busy Praying Mom

To the girl who used to hate herself.

Today, I was looking for some extra flashlights and batteries. As I was searching through a cabinet that doesn't often get opened, I came across these photos. This is me. Now I started saying the most insecure things to myself.....Things like, "what happened to that girl?"" Wow I wish I was that skinny again." "I use to have so much fun!"" I was so pretty." Well, I had to catch myself ..... not just because these thoughts are not good for the soul, but also because these are things, I would never , ever want my daughters to say about themselves. The more I thought about it, the more I loved who I am today. The truth is the old me was an idiot. I made horrible decisions, didn't listen to anybody, I thought I knew everything, and I was living in sin. Here I was a girl with so much potential. I went from one bad relationship to the next- searching for love everywhere except in the arms of Jesus. I was a moral person. I didn't live life like a rebel or commit crimes. In fact I was always playing it safe. Except for where it mattered the most. I was a lost broken girl, that hated herself because the abuse and neglect that I had throughout my life caused me to live the way an unloved person lives.I felt so unlovable that I fell for anybody that told me I was pretty. It took alot of mistakes and alot of tears to make me realize that morality didn't get you to the promised land. So I started praying, stopped partying, and I stopped looking for relationships with men to fill my void. I became a lover of Jesus and in turn He helped show me how to be a lover of myself. But not for pride, or arrogance. But so I could be the best version of myself for my sons, my daughters, and my husband. So that I could finally understand what unconditional love felt like. So that I could live a life that glorifies Him. So now I can look at these pictures and see how far I have come, as opposed to how far I have left to go. I am still growing, still trying , and still have to look in the mirror an tell myself I am a good mom. So for anyone feeling like they are not who they used to be, remember that who you are is a reflection of God, not a reflection of who you want to be. I may not be as skinny as I once was, but I have the hips that birthed amazing beautiful little people. I may not be as pretty on the outside, but I am so much prettier on the inside. I may not have alot of time to myself in this chaos of motherhood, but I have been blessed with the oppurtunity to shine His light on my children. I may not be the smartest girl in the world, butI am a heck of alot smarter than I used to be. I still doubt myself all the time....But I rest in knowing He is bigger than what I am about to face. The biggest difference between me now, and me I am no longer doing it without Jesus. So I am ok with who I am today. I love me ,because He loves me. That is enough.

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