Here is a letter to my own father.
Although my father is alive... I had no choice but to mourn him being gone awhile ago. I wrote this letter because I thought maybe it could help another daughter cope with the loss of a parent that is still alive.
Happy Fathers Day Dad.
For some reason this sentence is hard for me to say. We haven't spoken recently. In fact the last time I saw you was a decade ago. I wish that it didn't have to be that way. I yearn so much to be a typical daddy's girl. I want so bad for my children to have a loving and involved grandfather. The truth is... this day is hard for me. Every year I think I can handle it. Every year I am painfully reminded of how wrong I was for thinking that. But today I feel robbed. You robbed me dad. You robbed me of my childhood. You robbed my children of their grandfather. You never walked me down the aisle. You never told me how amazing I was. You never tucked me in or read me bed time stories. You never sat with me and told me the good news of the Gospel. You never looked past the alcohol enough to see me standing there. Most importantly you caused a big chunk of my heart to be guarded for too many years. So guarded... that for a long time I couldn't even let Jesus in. You made me believe I was a throw away. You made me believe I was unlovable. You chose to abuse me instead of love me.. You chose a life of addiction over a lifetime with your family. You robbed me of my mother. You abused her so bad that she couldn't even parent peacefully anymore.. Unfortunately, because of your poor decisions you don't know my husband, and you don't know my children. I have an obligation to protect them. Unfortunately not having a grandfather is the lesser evil of the two. The victims in this are my children. They ask me why? Why you are not here?. Why you don't love Jesus? And why they have never met you? Still I say nothing bad about you. Still I say your just not making good decisions and we continue to pray for you.. I pray all the time that you choose to make better decisions. I look at my husband, and I see how loving, patient and caring he is. I see how he puts our children above himself.. I see how he puts God at the center of everything in his life, including his family. I watch him pray with them. Sometimes I see how he teaches our sons how to be men, and I cry because you robbed my baby brother of that opportunity. I see how protective he is of our daughters and I get angry at the fact you robbed me and my sisters of our safety net. You should have never hurt us.. You should have protected us. You should have been showing my baby brother how to be a man.. You should have saved me from the abusive boyfriend. But you didn't. You chose a life of sin. I am going to be o.k. I am a tuff girl. But today... On Father's day, it's especially hard. Knowing that your still out there. A phone call away, and I can't even talk to you. As I get older I see people around me dying.. some of these people were fathers. Good fathers. I begin to feel guilty that mine is still here and he can't get it together. So as I was struggling with our relationship this morning. My knees hit the floor, and I prayed. This time I didn't pray for you. I prayed for me.. Instead of asking God to reveal Himself to you and change your heart....I asked God to change mine.. I asked Him to give me eyes to see you the way He does. I asked Him to guide my heart into forgiving you. I asked Him to heal the parts of me that you shattered. After that prayer God reminded me exactly what kind of Father He is. He reminded me of what a father looks like. He showed me all the areas in my life that He healed. He reminded me of all the people He placed in my children's lives to replace the gap between you and them. But most of all He told me to let it all go. So I will continue to enjoy the little moments God has placed in my path. I thank God everyday for blessing me with a strong Godly leader. I watch my daughter light up as her daddy plays with her and brushes her hair. I am then reminded at how much I needed you daddy. I watch him be a strong foundation for our family. As he teaches our son how to build and be a man, I am reminded at how much my baby brother was robbed of that. We needed you. We have always needed you. We will never stop needing you. So Happy Fathers Day dad. I am sad. But I am no longer bitter. But I want you to know how much you are missing. This beautiful journey of my family's journey, could have been your journey too. You have no idea what your missing. I will never stop praying for your journey. Although I am not with you, Jesus is. I hope you follow Him. I hope you have a Happy Fathers Day.