How Rape Saved My Soul
Updated: May 12, 2019
We're all broken , being broken doesn't mean you're damaged goods. Being broken means you're human. Being broken doesn't mean that you're unrepairable. Being broken means that you are made... you have a creator . Maybe you are scared today. Maybe your angry today. Maybe you can't stop crying. Maybe you looked at yourself in that outfit and thought about how ugly you think you are. Maybe someone you love told you how unworthy you are. Maybe you have a past your so ashamed of that you cant even bring yourself to face another day. Well you know what. Your so much more worthy then the person who tells you your unlovable. There is more to you then stretch marks, cellulite , and that outfit your wearing. The tears running down your face, is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of heart. That heart is the same heart, that God gave you. That same heart that you have for animals, children, and people, is the same heart you need to use to start loving yourself. I was that girl. I looked in the mirror, put on my makeup, just like girls do. I put on a smile. Only to hate the image Iooking back at me. Something happened....This "thing" happened. It changed me forever. This "thing "changed the way I saw the world. It changed the way I loved people, it changed the way I loved myself. Every relationship after that point, was unsustainable. Literally everything changed! Trust no longer existed in my world. This dark place left me feeling like a part of me was killed. The only thing that stayed constant, and the only thing that never changed; not even for a second......Was the undying , unfailing love of God. When things happen. You feel lost in this dark scary place without a flashlight. So I did what lots of broken girls do. I went from relationship to relationship trying to find the perfect love just like in the movies . I loved God. I knew God. I wanted God. My mistake was I didn't give it to God. I left it up to the other broken men, to fix my broken heart. Horrible things continued to happen. Things happen. Things so bad that your heart is dying. There are days you feel helpless. There are days you ask yourself......."Where were you God?" The days seem to drag on. You have trouble finding His light, because your too busy hating yourself, to see how much He loves you. You know what....It happened....but.....what happened does not make you who you are. God made you who you are. This thing that happened to you , is not the reason you're here. Being angry is not going to make things better . Being sad doesn't make the pain go away any faster . Living your life in unhealthy ways is not going to make the memories go away . These are all temporary solutions . You got to just let go and give it to God . Your worthiness is not defined by makeup, men, status, friendships, or what body type you have. Maybe what happened to you made you feel like ,the only thing you had to offer the world was your body. God gave you a heart, a soul, and a purpose. He gave it to long before the dark world around you ,tried to make you believe otherwise. Forgiving what happened does not mean you are forgiving the offense. It means that you are picking up that beating heart of yours... and your giving it back to the one who created it. Don't try to fix it. Don't wait till its whole to hand it over. Give it to God. Just the way it is. He doesn't care if it's charred, hard, or scarred. Give it to Him...... sometimes we can hate ourselves so much that we don't feel like God would love us either. That's a lie. you don't have to know your Bible, you don't have to know Doctrine, it doesn't even matter if you have hated Him your entire life. It is never too late. The first step, and the best way to start loving yourself, is to choose to give it to Him. You don't have to know how to pray, you don't all the sudden have start going to church. You just have to choose to say I won't feel like this anymore. You have to choose to say God take this for me. The change goes from there. Your heart craves change when its damaged. The pain you feel in your pit.....that's your heart aching for repair. So sometimes we mistake that pain , for justice, revenge, or numbness.
Justice: We seem to think that if we see the person that hurt us locked up in chains and behind bars, that our pain eases up on us. It doesn't. The healing continues long after they are serving their sentence.
True justice , the kind your heart seeks can only come from Christ. No judge, no jail cell, and no courtroom, can give you the kind of Justice that God can.
Revenge: revenge is the pain that wants the person that hurt us to feel just as bad as we do. The problem with this is it hinders healing completely because you're actually taking a step back from God by doing this.
Numbness: this is the part that comes in where you don't even want to feel the aftermath of anything that's happened. You would give anything to not have to remember or feel what happened. So you turn to a unhealthy lifestyle that turns into a downward spiral like a domino effect hating yourself even more and feeling even more unworthy.
This thing that happened it killed me.
I gave all that pain that I had to God. Every tear, every memory, every bit of anger, every bit of sadness, I even gave the part of my heart that I didn't know existed. This was an ugly heart. It had seen its days. That heart I gave him. Was abused, damaged, broken, ashamed, and yes that heart at one point even hated Him. It at many times had even questioned Him. Yet he loved me enough to take it for me. He loved me at my worst. He loved me when no one else would. He loved me when I hated myself. And just like the song, My chains are now broken, I have been set free. So today I don't choose to say #metoo I choose to say #Godtoo Rape killed me God saved me